Dear High Desert Christian (HDC) Church Members:

Many times over the last two years, I have passed by your church on my way to various places. Whenever I am doing so as your congregation is letting out, I have noticed that you will dart in front of traffic on foot on your way to the parking lot across the street, and that you will screech out of the parking lot and into incoming traffic at alarming speeds, without heed to traffic laws, or quite frankly, laws of physics. More than one object cannot occupy a space at one time.

I do not understand your eagerness to leave the church. Is it that services were horrid and you are running at top speed to escape? (This I could actually understand and probably be quite forgiving of.) Or is it that you are just feeling so close to Jesus, that you are attempting to involve me in a traffic accident, thus killing yourselves (and possibly me) so that you can join him? This I do not condone. If you’re going to join the Lord, please do so by swallowing pills as it is the only form of suicide I can think of that does not potentially render someone else grief-stricken (jumping off bridge, freeway overpass, etc.) or make a mess (shooting oneself in head/face/throat, slitting wrists, etc.).

Or perhaps, you’re all a bunch of holier-than-thou douchebags who think everyone else should just get out of the way, because you have Jesus on board or your car may be unmanned should rapture occur or whatever your stupid bumper stickers say.

Whatever the reason for your poor driving while leaving church, I would like to request that you please slow down, follow simple traffic rules like stop and yield, and stop running in front of my car on your way across the street. Because quite frankly, if any of you do anything to scratch, dent, or otherwise do bodily harm to my beautiful luxury sedan, I will fucking cut you.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Veronica