I know there are people out there who hear others’ good news, and just feel amazing because there are good things happening to those others. And for the most part, I try to be that person. I am genuinely happy when people I care about get the things that they want. But when they COMPLAIN about the things they are getting, the things that I want…it’s hard. It’s so, so hard.
Case in point: over the last few years, several of my friends have gotten engaged and married. From the ones who loved every minute to the ones that bitched their way to the alter about how stressful planning was, I want what they have. I know that the life I chose is with Paul and he told me years ago when we got back together that he didn’t ever see himself getting married. We’ve revisited the topic, but his feelings remain the same, and I can’t picture myself with anyone else. I love him and I do want to be with him, even if it means I can never have the wedding and marriage I want. His decision is tough for me though, and sometimes it’s hard not to let my feelings get hurt when he doesn’t want to take the plunge and get married. But for the most part I try to remember that it’s just how he feels, it has nothing to do with our relationship, and that not being married is growing to be less and less important to people around me. I don’t wonder if he comes home at night to me because he wants to or because he just can’t find a good divorce attorney. So there’s that.
But, still, I’ll never have it the way I want. That makes me sad.
I want the fairy tale: dress, cake, ceremony, beautiful photos, honeymoon in a fun place. I want Paul to beam when I walk down the aisle, knowing that he is thinking that he is lucky enough to be with this girl. Maybe it stems from an insecurity, that I sometimes wonder if he feels like he is lucky to have me, since he is after all a guy and doesn’t express emotions to me like that. He doesn’t have a mushy personality. He doesn’t give me compliments and he certainly doesn’t look at me like he can’t believe he’s lucky enough to be with me. He’s not the type to tell me how much he loves me all the time, or hold my hand, or send me flowers.
I know that he loves me. Well, he says he does. He’s still here, he points out, whenever I feel insecure and confront him about the state of things. And things have gotten better over the years. We don’t argue nearly as much as we used to. But from the man who doesn’t show emotion or affection, is it so much to ask that he give me the gesture of marriage?